The typical tea maker and their average tea.
In starting to detail how to trick people into thinking you make a really good cup of tea, I felt it was important to first explore the typical tea maker. After all, learning where you’re at is the first move in “stepping up” to where you want to be.
Making people tea has a very clear benefit. Simply put, if you make other people tea, they will feel obliged to make you tea in return.
Obligatory tea making has therefore become the office social norm, but the levels of effort applied will vary depending on the tea maker in question. Three categories of tea maker will be explored here. You will generally fall into one category, although it is most certain that you will identify with all three at some point in a working week. Some factors that might temporarily affect your tea making style include: your mood, how much you like the person you’re making tea for, how many teas you’re making in one round etc. In turn, the perception of your tea making ability may vary from recipient to recipient (with some thinking that your tea making abilities are generally poor, and others (hopefully most) thinking, “oh yeah, go on, I’ll definitely have another”).
So, what are these tea makers like?
1. The offensive tea makers
These are the people who have the tea making attitude of: “I’m just doing this because I want your tea later, but I don’t care whether you enjoy my tea or not...have you got any biscuits?” Note here their misuse of the TEA LAW: “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a [bad] brew [from me] for a [good] brew [from you]”. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being “that is abysmal - someone take it away from me” and 10 being “fist-to-face amazing”), their teas will consistently range from 1 to 5. Once the label of “bad tea maker” has been noted, tested and confirmed with others, people will begin to conveniently time their tea making rounds to periods of said person’s absence or neglect to offer them tea altogether. The offender may notice this exclusion and offer you tea out of turn, as if to say “remember, I still drink tea, and this is the SECOND tea I’ve made you today, so you owe me”. On such occasions, it is inevitable that you will then feel obliged to make them a tea on your next round despite your own reluctance. This may also occur when it becomes embarrassingly obvious that you are making tea for everyone else except them.
If you find that you keep missing out on tea rounds and that people avoid eye contact with you as they peer over their own cup of glorious face-burning tea, it’s probably because you are, in general, an offensive tea maker.
2. The established “tea round party” makers
This type will robotically prepare your brew with an attitude of, “I’m making you tea because I sort of have to – you’re in the tea round party. Is that too milky? Probably...oh well - that’ll do”. These people just want to stay included in the tea round party. They have produced teas that mark fairly consistently in the upper half of the 1 – 10 scale, meaning that they are privy to information about how “so-and-so makes a really rubbish cup of tea” and how you’re planning to not include them in your next tea round. They are aware of the real risk of tea round party exclusion and therefore, will generally put in just enough effort to make an “all right” cuppa for you on a regular basis.
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| High quantity = lack of quality |
Most people tend to fall into this category. As more people observe the benefit of being a tea round party member, you may notice the attempts of others to invade your tea round party. Particularly sneaky are those who try to cleverly present you with tea, and then take your obligatory return of tea as a sign of their acceptance into the group. Be warned that tea making efforts tend to decrease when tea round parties reach a membership level of 4+ people. If you are already at “tray level”, you may need to discuss your tea round party dividing options with the other founding members.
3. The affectionate tea makers
These tea makers often develop from a prolonged tea round party membership coupled with close friendship. The type of tea one can expect from the affectionate tea maker is an “average” to “good” cup of tea that would typically be marked 7 to 8. Anything marked 6 or below is a result of being unexpectedly rushed (they got called into a meeting) or improper lighting (making them unable to gauge tea colour). In short, a bad brew from this person will be a pure anomaly in their otherwise consistent tea making behaviour. In such cases, the affectionate tea maker will genuinely feel like they have let you down in some way and / or may offer to remake the tea. They will seek approval in your facial expressions and will be elated should they score a 9+. If you find yourself to be an affectionate tea maker for at least 3 people, you will find the transition to excellence much easier.To set us up for part 2, I will now highlight the rare few who seem to delight in making the best tea they can make for you - regardless of your own persistent average efforts - catering for every requirement to ensure that you have the most enjoyable tea. You can spot such talented people by observing your own efforts when it’s your turn to make them tea. You might find that you endeavour to reciprocate the care and diligence that they must take over making yours. The thing is, they are good tea makers, but their excellence is just a clever ruse. In part 2, I’ll illustrate how you can follow suit and share in the glory of being perceived as an excellent tea maker.
